We all know that there’s nothing Santa Claus enjoys more than sitting atop his candy cane tower and watching all the children of the earth through his telescope. And naturally, we all know that when a horned, red-skinned devil named Pitch inevitably shows up to turn the wee tots towards acts of darkness, it’s Santa’s job to destroy the hellspawn before — wait a minute . . . WHAT?!! Directed by prolific filmmaker René Cardona and distributed by legendary huckster K. Gordon Murray, this severely unnatural take on jolly ol’ St. Nick is a cinematic miracle made from Santa’s secret mixture of sweetness and Satanism, as if torn from the melting mind of a summertime snowman.